A bucket of cockporn for three

What do we say when we fart 

The answer would be “excuse me”…not “it wasnt me mummy, it was the stinky man behind me.” 

Standing in the queue in EuroSpar there was an unmistakable “ppft” and, mortified, I whisper-spoke (is that a thing) to Olivia the usual phrase only for her to loudly declare her innocence and both my face and the face of the aforementioned man, to turn puce with embarrassment. Apologises muttered to the perpetrator and then to Olivia for my misjudging, I scarpered out of there as fast as my two legs could carry me. Not the first time she has landed me in it. 

As adults we learn to keep certain things to ourselves, which makes the funny or brutally honest things that littles say all the more hilarious and sometimes excruciatingly embarrassing. Here are my two more of those very moments: 

Mummy loves cockporn 

Out in Swords for the day when we were a family of three, our car broke down. Luckily we got towed to a nearby mechanic who assured us the problem was easily fixed but that it would take a few hours. Rather than getting the bus back to Skerries we decided to kill some time in the Pavillions. While there we noticed that Paddington Bear 2 was due to start in the cinema – perfect. That would wind away a few hours. Tickets bought we headed to the concessionary stand. Based on the subtitle I think we all know where this is going. 

Snacks ordered, popcorn and a criminally large amount of ice cream, Olivia who had just turned two, tells the hormone riddled teenager serving us that ‘My mummy loves cornporn”. Bad enough on it’s own but I was heavily pregnant at the time which only made the whole situation even more embarrassing. 

Taking too long to poop

Why on earth are the locks on family toilet rooms within toddler reach?? Those doors need more locks than a cell in Alcatraz. 

Picture the scene, it’s a busy Friday afternoon in a play centre, the eldest, having panicked and announced to the world that she needs to pee, is racing across to the toilets. In we go for some quality mother-daughter toilet time, thankfully in a cubicle big enough for the two of us, and up she sits on the toilet seat. After Olivia had finished her business I decided to answer Nature’s Call myself and we swapped places. 

A move that, in most circumstances, is not something to share with the world. But Olivia, with all the patience of an energised three-year-old, decided that I was getting in the way of her playzone fun. She reached up, unlocked the door, and opened the cubicle for all to see me with my jeans around my ankles. Then she ran out and announced to everyone ‘Mummy you’re taking too long pooping, I’m going down the slides’. 

Baby bum

I am sure I am not the first, and certainly I wont be the last parent to have their child loudly pass comment on a largers persons shape. Standing in the elavator in the Pavillions on a busy Sunday afternoon a lady with a fair round behind gets on with us. It was around the time one of the creche workers had just finished up in work to start her maternity leave. Naturally her changing shape drew questions from the unfiltered minds of 12 or so three years olds. All of which were answered perfectlly and Olivia proudly updated us on the fact that she knew a baby lives in a house inside it’s Mummy until it is born. 

Unfortunately for me it seemed she took away that big body parts = baby growing and so in the cramped lift she loudly asked me ‘Mummy why is that ladys baby in her bum and not in her belly. As soon as those doors opened, I slipped out dragging Olivia whileher still pointing at the baby in the bum. We werent even on the right floor but no way could I endure another three levels with my cheeks flying out of me.

So yes it’s true, Kids can be cute, sure, but without a doubt they can be really, really embarrassing, and it just seems they choose to have their most humiliating moments tends to happen with there’s an audience. All we can do is grin and bear it….and of course store all the gems away somewhere to bring out and re-tell them and their friends in their teenage years. 


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